Depression...
...words I never really knew existed until I grew up. They must have had other names when I was small, names that were said in hushed tones and with rolling eyes by my family members about my mother.
When I was small, I knew her as a wonderful, fun, playfull stay at home mother who was always there for us. Then our life took a bad turn with dad's bad business decisions and she had to go back to teaching, to try to save our house. I remember seeing my mother "break down" and cry for days when things got too much for her to bear. Crying, sleeping, eating (not much), going to work, repeat. I couldn't understand why she cried so much, why the efforts we in our childish minds were doing to make her feel better, did not help at all. Nothing helped. She would not speak to us, shut herself in her room and just cried. The crying led to anxiety attacks, which triggered her epileptic attacks. It was not a good thing for a child to see their parent in so much heartache and spiritual pain.
And in spite of all she did, we still lost it all and had to start over. She had to be strong again, keep the crying for another day.
Then I grew up. And life started hitting me from all sides and I started understanding the feeling of just crying and crying and crying, because the pain inside was just... too much.
Now they give it names... clinically depressed, post natal depression, anxiety, etc, etc. Yet no pill can cure what I feel inside. I can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. I have a wonderful husband, yet I feel unloved. I do well in work and play, yet constantly feel like a big failure. I am not a happy person, at all, yet I have nothing to be unhappy about. I never feel good enough and no one ever tells me that I AM good enough, strong enough, brave enough, mother enough, wife enough. Why don't they tell me so I can feel better?So what do I do? I cry... and cry... and cry... and then pick myself up as my mother did, and hope the constant hurt in my heart will lift some day. Surely it MUST go away someday? I feel like I'm only existing... never LIVING! I'm always the one with the sparkling personality, a quick joke and a smile that never reaches my eyes...
I've sat with pills in my hand so many times, just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up again... but never had the guts to actually do it. I'm a Christian. That would be like murder in God's eyes. But why then does He let me feel like this? Constantly sad, crying, but having to put up a smiling face and interact with people every day, when all I want to do is cover my head and stay in bed.
Anxiety... a horrible, terrible thing. I hate you! Depression - just leave me alone! I need my life back. I need time for myself, to rest and do things I love, to smell the roses, to sit with a good book and a cup of coffee.
So life... Just back off, will you? I need time to heal.
